My latest craving...

And I WILL be getting one tonight. Yummm!!!

I can't do this!

I can't do this! I can't put my baby girl in daycare while I spend 9+ hours a day, 5 days a week working and leave SOMEONE ELSE to raise her! That puts me home about 6pm and gives me just a couple hours a day to really be her mother, I don't want to be a part time parent. I don't want to hear about her first time rolling over, crawling, pulling herself up, walking, words, etc. from a STRANGER, I want her family to be the ones to see these things! I want her daddy to hear her first giggle, her grandparents to see when she discovers her feet, I want to be there as she sits up on her own!

My husband and I for some crazy, unknown, and not-so-smart reason got into a discussion about child care as I was driving to work - and I ended up in tears thinking about these things. What do I want? I want to be able to stay at home with my daughter for her first year, I want to be the mother that MY mother was, to be the one who gets to experience these things that PARENTS should experience. In a perfect world I would be able to stay home, but we don't live in a perfect world and there is no way we can afford for me not to go back to work. And it sucks. Sucks big time. I hadn't realized until this morning just how much our situation upset me. Day care is just that, child care provided during the day. While I'm working. While my husband is sleeping (peacefully I might add). While my daughter will be awake and learning to live. The evenings will be spent as a family and the nights will be my husband working, and my daughter and I sleeping and dealing with whatever comes with that. Me and her. Her and I. Alone. And I'm scared. Scared about being able to soothe her, scared about getting enough sleep to be functional, scared about all the noises that go on in a house at night and how I will be the only protector. Then comes morning, where I need to not only get myself ready, but also prepare my daughter to take to daycare where the cycle starts all over. I don't know how people do it, I don't know how I can do it, and it really makes me sad. I guess its time for my husband and I to sit down and really work out all the details on just how we are going to do this. I know from a retirement standpoint, I could go part-time for a few years and we'd still be on track for our goals - but can WE afford this with our normal expenses? Is this something my job would allow me to do? Can we find childcare with people we trust on a part time schedule? These are all things we don't know. I have a feeling this is going to turn into an emotional time for me and the time is getting such that we can't put it off any longer. Stay tuned for updates.

Well...

She's a perfectly healthy baby girl!!! Our doctor told us we couldn't have asked for the big ultrasound to go any better - and we are THRILLED! We agreed on a name as we waited to talk to the doctor, but as of now are still trying to keep it a secret. I have to admit though, that the name seems so perfect that I'm beginning to think I might be "over" what anyone else thinks - so depending on how things go, we may spill the beans early. I go back and forth from moment to moment and while I do WANT to tell, I know its something we can't take back once we do, so we continue to keep our lips closed. No matter what, everyone will know in about 4 months anyhow - eeek!!!

On another excitement note, we purchased bedding (as you can see above). I want to paint the nursery and I need to pinks to match, so the sooner we get the bedding, the sooner we can start painting. I can hardly wait to start bringing all the baby items into the house and I know painting is the first step, replacing the floor is the second step, and then onto everything else. What REALLY made me tear up a little was my husband is the one who started the nesting. We spent yesterday moving items out of the "nursery" and cleaning out the closet. We have a few things to put in bins and load up into the attic left, but thats what the plan for today is. It's nice to know that we are actually STARTING the process since up until yesterday, we had done NOTHING to get the house prepared and now we have almost an empty room. I know that the next ~18 weeks are going to fly by as we pick out the crib, dresser, changing station, diaper bag, car seat, stroller, books, toys, bottles, and on and on and on! We do have some general ideas on what items we want as far as the BIG stuff (strollers, etc) so that should help, but I know how overwhelmed I felt when we walked into Babies-R-Us and saw ALL the items we are going to need.

The biggest issue we are having right now is the crib. We found a crib and dresser we love and its even a convertible, but is it really worth spending the money on it verses getting something that serves the same purpose but cost significantly less? There is SO MUCH to spend money on for our daughter, where do you splurge and where do you save? As of right now, I am leaning towards getting the set we like, since both times we entered this store we picked out the same set. We'll see what my husband says when he wakes up today - of course I might change my mind by then. Giggle!!!

Meanwhile, Happy Memorial Day to everyone! Make sure to take a moment to thank all those who have served our country, its something I don't think gets done as often as it should.

T minus 1 day and counting

Hi-YAAA!

Yup, you got it right - I am feeling the kicking now and its CRAZY! I was once told that the movement will feel like bubbles. I hear bubbles and think little, tickling movements like soda bubbles. WRONG. It's like a balloon popping in my abdomen, and it can be quite startling. I've been feeling it for about a week now and finally my husband was able to feel it last night, I was so excited! The look on his face was PRICELESS and I'm actually a little sad I was not able to get a picture - it was one of those surprise, shock, amazement, a little freaked out looks. I can only image its a face I'll get to see more and more as this pregnancy progresses and once we have our little on in our arms and I can't wait. Meanwhile, I have to admit that while the movement is a little unsettling at times and the thought of this human being growing INSIDE me is still a little freaky, its nice to have the daily reassurance that our little kick boxer is in there and active. I was too busy the first trimester being sick that I didn't have the chance to worry about something going wrong, but now that I'm feeling better for the most part, I am definitely worrying more about what-ifs. Having access to SO MUCH information isn't always as great as it seems!

Now for the even more exciting part! Our BIG ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday - as in 2 days from now! I can hardly wait to 1) hear that everything looks great and we have a healthy baby on the way and 2) whether we are having a boy or a girl! I'm so ready to start shopping and getting the nursery ready so keep your fingers crossed our little one gives us the money shot! My husband insists its a boy because he wants a son (although if you ask him what he thinks it is, he says he has no idea) and with all the name trouble we've had coming up with ideas for a boy, I'm leaning towards thinking its a boy. Everyone else I talk to thinks its a girl. Even the random lady working at the maternity store. We'll obviously be happy either way, I just have to admit the thought of having a teenage daughter scares the CRAP out of me. Girls are HORRIBLE at that age (I know, I was one!). I also know that if we have a girl, as much as I pray she turns out like Rory from Gilmore Girls, the chances are slim. Oh well, we'll do the best we can and hope no matter what we raise a healthy, happy child. I believe the chances of that happening are MUCH better. (((wink wink)))

I want...

As I was walking back to my desk from my hourly trip to the restroom, I spy a coworker walking down the hall with a plate. A plate of what? It looks like cake. And now I have completely lost interest in the person's plate (and whatever may actually have been on it) and am instead infatuated with the idea of cake. I want it. I want CHOCOLATE cake. Mmmmm. With CHOCOLATE frosting. Could this be a craving? One of those pregnancy symptoms I hear about so often but until now only had the one for cottage cheese? Does it matter? No, I guess it doesn't really matter, all that matters is I WANT CAKE! I'm thinking it is going to be the perfect night to make my beloved chocolate pudding cake, after of course a meal consisting of watermelon. (Leave me alone, I've been sick with this miserable cold for far too long now, if I want watermelon and cake for dinner - so be it!)

Now let's just hope I have all the necessary ingredients at home!

Wahhhhhhhh!

I apologize for the lack of updates, especially since I hit the 20 week (AKA: HALF WAY THERE) point on Friday. What did I do to celebrate you ask? I stayed home from work and laid on the couch all day due to this nasty cold I've caught. 3 days with a sore throat 4 days with my head all congested and a very sore nose, and now it is onto the chest cold and lung-hacking cough. Lozenges and Zyrtec-D have been in my system and have only had a minimal affect. I feel bad taking any more time off work since I was out twice last week, but I also feel guilty being here since I pray no one else gets this misery - so what do you do? I have tried very hard to stay away from others and concentrate on breathing to stifle my coughing, hopefully it works. As for everyone else: please take your vitamins and wash your hands!

It's all puppies and rainbows

It seems that my post yesterday made a few people wonder what is GOOD about pregnancy, and while I've had a really REALLY hard time until recently, I definitely have some good things to comment on. Meanwhile, remember that every pregnancy is different and while I've spent way too much time feeling like I was dying, there are LOTS of other women out there who really do LOVE being pregnant! Here are several things you can enjoy and look forward to:

1) The most obvious is at the end, you'll get to enjoy the fruit of your labors with a brand new human life. I'm not there yet, but I've been told by pretty much every mom other there that this alone makes it all worth it - however that one doesn't really help along the way, so I'll move on.

2) Men LOVE pregnant women. This one still shocks me a little, but its true. It amazes me how men, whether you know them or not, react to a pregnant lady - it is almost like you can see the little twinkle in their eye and you know they are being sincere when they tell you how wonderful you look. In my mind, they are able to embrace the miracle of growing a baby more than any woman can.

3) Food. Ice cream, cookies, chips, pasta, fruit - you name it. You now have a reason to eat all those yummy items that most "diets" tell you not to and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Oh! And your wonderful husband is usually eager to run out whenever you say and pick up said sinful delights - hooray! Ok, ok, ok - you can't eat whatever you want whenever you want and you still need to aim for healthy foods, but cravings are expected and you have a lot more leeway in what you gobble.

4) You are expected to gain weight and its actually healthy. This ties in with #3 since in order to gain weight, you need to eat calories (not just celery!). My doctor told me she was excited about my weight gain at my last appointment - thats music to a woman's ears!

5) New wardrobe. Once again, you have an excuse to go shopping and buy a whole new wardrobe. How can you're husband possibly get upset with you for shopping if every item you own shows your stomach? And whats even better than new clothes? Comfy clothes and shoes! No more zippers, no more buttons, no more heals - elastic is your friend, EMBRACE IT!

6) Everything baby - baby clothes, baby bedding, baby furniture, baby showers. Baby stuff is absolutely ADORABLE and so exciting to shop for.

7) Mommy boobs - need I say more? I never knew what cleavage was, but HELLO NURSE!

8) Maternity leave. FMLA states that (most) companies are required to hold your job for upto 12 weeks of time off. Many companies will even offer a portion, if not all, of this time as paid. I'm sure its a wonderful time to bond with your new baby, your husband, parents, whomever. It also provides a nice break which helps many women realize just how much they LIKE the break their job provides from home life.

9) No more kitty litter duty! There are suddenly all sorts of things that a pregnant woman should no longer do, many of which are things we don't LIKE to do anyhow. Its a great reason (or excuse) not to do these things and instead have someone else help. I've also learned with how much faster I get tired, my wonderful, amazing, prince charming of a husband has been forced to help around the house more because I am physically not able to. It's a little disappointing at times and it makes me feel lazy, but I also know its great "training" for once the little kiddo comes since there will be SO MUCH MORE to do.

These are just a few of the things to enjoy from a pregnancy, I know there are so many more that I'm missing (like feeling the baby move - I'm still waiting!). With anything, there are going to be ups and downs to deal with and you just have to hope you have more ups. My post yesterday was more about all the things people do or say and don't even realize how rude they are being or how uncomfortable they are making people. I know I was guilty of committing a few of those offenses before getting pregnant because I just didn't know any better. Its similar to asking people when they are going to have kids - which seems harmless enough, but for the couple who is going through infertility problems, the question is HEARTBREAKING. The big lesson is to focus on the positive, there is enough negative in the world as it is!

Now onto some ME updates! These past few days have been AMAZING. While I still fight the shower gag and need to make sure I eat, my mood has been better than I remember it EVER being - just call me Pollyanna! We were out last night and I mentioned to my husband that I needed to pick up some more clothes (I have 3 pairs of pants I can wear to work) so we stopped by the local Motherhood shop. We were in there for a few hours I'm sure, but the one thing I remember most is the lady working in there told me I was a HAPPY PREGNANT LADY. Who me? The girl who was so miserable and sometimes wondered if this whole thing was a mistake? Thats when it hit me that yes, I AM happy - finally - and it feels GOOD! I have the most amazing husband, a wonderful home, a great job, financial security, a marvelous family, two sweet kitties, I'm in good health, and I'm going to be a MOTHER - what do I have to complain about? Now that I can actually function and enjoy life, I don't think I could be much happier. Sure, I could live near all my family or have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, but when I compare where I'm at with all the places I COULD be, I'm so thankful.

Today is week 19 and the little bean is now the size of a MANGO - holy crap! And while I don't think I've felt movement yet, its just a matter of time from what everyone says. I think I'm more excited about Matt being able to feel it than I am about feeling it myself. Eeek!

STOP ... and think first!

It happened yesterday, the first time, and sadly I know it won't be the only time, and I didn't even see it coming. The ever-feared unsolicited belly rub. Ughh!!! Why? Why do people feel that as soon as someone is pregnant, all bets are off and limits no longer exist? It's annoying and extremely rude. I don't run up to you and touch you! I don't rub your bald spot or pat your beer belly - so HANDS OFF! I don't LIKE people touching my belly, even my husband gives me the "Pleeeeeeeeease" look before he touches my belly - and sometimes I even tell HIM no! So, in an effort to try and rid the world (at least my world) of people doing and saying inappropriate things to pregnant woman, here is my list. Please take note:

1. It is NEVER acceptable to rub someone's belly - unless they specifically ask you to. If a pregnant lady feels movement and wants to show someone, they will ask if you want to feel the baby move. If however they just say "Ooooh!" and hold their belly, assume its gas, at which point you shouldn't want to feel it anyhow. Remember, pregnant women are still people and there should still be the same normal boundaries, if not more. In the end, if you stray and she stabs you with a fork, don't say I didn't warn you!

2. Never, ever, EVER talk about a pregnant woman's weight. Ever. Whether you tell her she looks small for 8 months or huge for 5 months, either way it is an insult and will most likely cause her to worry. The same goes for asking if she's "sure it isn't twins". She is a woman. Under any other circumstances would it be okay to talk about a lady's weight? I think not. Oh, and this rule not only applies to friends, but to family members as well - whether it be her husband, mother, aunt, whomever. Leave the weight comments to the doctor.

3. Don't share your horror stories! This is one I'll never understand either. It seems that people LOVE to tell how their epidural went wrong or they got stuck in an elevator or some other thing that we are already secretly scared of. We all know unpleasant things happen and do our best to not freak out about it happening to us, so just shut it.

4. The dreaded "Just wait..." reply. This one seems to be around every corner - "I didn't sleep well last night", "Just wait until ..." or "My back is sore", "Just wait...". Ya' know what world? I KNOW my body is going to get even more sore, I know I'm going to be the size of a house and have trouble getting off the couch, I know there will be very little sleep after the birth, but RIGHT NOW I'm still not perfect and if I'm tired, I'm still tired and I don't care how much worse its going to be, it still sucks RIGHT NOW!

5. "Was it planned?" Seriously??? Are you REALLY asking me about my sex life? Now I have to admit that this particular one does not bother me (yes, it was planned actually), but I know a TON of women who feel this is the numero uno in tacky questions. If you really stop for a moment and realize what you are ultimately asking, it makes sense why people don't like it.

6. Telling a parent they should or should not find out the sex before the birth. This seems to be more common with family members and I've read several stories about grandparents being disappointed because the child is a girl / boy or because the parents either want to find out or don't want to find out the sex before the birth. If it is a healthy baby, who freaking cares whether it is a boy or girl, and why should ANYONE other than the parents being able to choose if they find out early?

7. Commenting on the unborn child's name. This is another one where people seem to LOVE to refer to their own stories - "Oh, I had a dog named that" or "I went to high school with a kid named that and he's now in prison". Choosing a name is usually an extremely difficult decision, especially when you add in all the comments everyone makes. But even worse then that, people will badger you to tell them the name if you have chosen to keep it a secret (for above reasons). One this subject, we have not picked names yet, but have discussed them and I'm sure once we have the big ultrasound and (hopefully) know whether its a boy or girl, I DO NOT plan on sharing the names for the simple reason that I am easily influenced by the comments of others. I know for me all it will take is one person not reacting how I want them to and I will second guess myself. Silly, yes, but its the way it is, accept it. Don't worry, you will all know the name in due time.

8. Do not tell a pregnant woman (or any woman) how you think she should birth the kid. This is a VERY personal choice that the mother-to-be ALONE should be making. This is one of the few areas where I don't believe the father-to-be has much say, since it isn't his body and he won't be going through the experience and pain. I won't tell you to get a root canal without Novocaine, so leave me my choice of how I'm shooting this thing out alone.

9. Unsolicited advice. This is aimed at everyone and people seem to think they know best. I have had people tell me all sorts of things I should not be eating or drinking or doing - and most of them have never BEEN pregnant and are not in the medical field. I know caffeine is bad. I know I need to take my vitamins. I know I need to eat fruits and vegetables. Seriously, I've talked to my doctor and I follow her rules, I don't need YOU telling me what you've HEARD is best / bad / etc. Now, if you see me smoking crack or chugging down some Tequila, then I give you my permission to smack me.

That is my list for now, feel free to add your own!

PS - I WILL be carrying a fork with me at all times.